My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
it was like eating out sand paper
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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