I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
MIDGETS
????
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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