she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
