I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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