Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
