Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
vagina is talking i cant
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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