I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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