im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Is Oprah even human
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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