I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
This house was built for laser tag.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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