So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
