If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Is it penis luge time yet?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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