You can't special order awesome
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
