remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
