I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
