You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
