when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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