If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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