i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize