Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
