you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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