My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
