Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
