dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
false alarm. still invincible.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
