look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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