I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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