just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
