Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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