please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Your penis caused this!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
