i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize