nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
