I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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