Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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