Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
