I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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