i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
