Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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