DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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