Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
