She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
