I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
