you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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