She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize