ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
