The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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