I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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