dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How's work?
Spinning.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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