Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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