Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
