He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
