saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
