I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
