her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
