Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
