Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
