if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
