i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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