A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
