If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
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