If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
