The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
