I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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