you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
