did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize