please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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